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(Lorelai, Rory, and Dean are watching “The Donna Reed Show” with Rory and Lorelai making up their own dialogue.)

Lorelai: “You know, Daughter, there’s nothing more satisfying thatn washing windows — oh no!”

Rory: “What? Did I miss a spot?”

Lorelai: “No, I just had an impure thought about your father, Alex. Funny — I don’t know why I had it. It isn’t the second Saturday of the month.”

Rory: (as the father, Alex) “Hey, I heard you had an impure thought.”

Lorelai: “I must now sublimate all my impure thoughts by going into the kitchen and making an endless string of perfect casseroles.”

Dean: You’re not even listening to the dialogue.

Rory: Ours is better.

Dean: I don’t know — it all seems kind of nice to me.

Rory: What does?

Dean: Well, you know, families hanging together. I mean, a wife cooking dinner for her husband. And look — she seems really happy.

Lorelai: She’s medicated.

Rory: And acting from a script.

Lorelai: Written by a man.

Rory: Well said, Sister Suffragette.

Dean: What if she likes making doughnuts and dinner for her family and keeping things nice for them and —

(Rory and Lorelai stare at him.)

Dean: OK, I feel very unpopular right now.

Gilmore Girls — Season 1: Episode 14 — “That Damn Donna Reed”

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Emily: Where are you going?

Rory: To the dance.

Emily: You do not go running out the door when a boy honks.

Lorelai: Mom, it’s fine.

Emily: It certainly is not fine. This is not a drive through. She’s not fried chicken.

Rory: But I told him to honk and I’d meet him out there. We agreed.

Emily: I don’t care what you told him. If he wants to take you out, he will walk up to this door, and know, and say ‘good evening,’ and come inside for a moment like any civilized human being would know to do.

Lorelai: Now, Mom, this is silly, I have met him already.

Emily: Well I haven’t.

Lorelai: Yeah, but–

Emily: We will wait until he comes to the door.

Rory: He doesn’t know he’s supposed to.

Emily: He will figure it out.

(They wait in silence. Dean honks again.)

Emily: He’s not a very bright boy, is he?

Gilmore Girls – Season 1: Episode 9 – “Rory’s Dance”

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Lorelai: There goes the fire chief, the police chief and the one paramedic with a valid license. I feel safe, don’t you?

Luke: Look at them, all relatively intelligent men, but there they are dressed up in costumes, standing out in a snowstorm, and for what?

Lorelai: Because it’s tradition.

Luke: Tradition is a trap, it allows people to stick their head in the sand. Everything in the past was so quaint, so charming. Times were simpler. Kids didn’t have sex. Neighbors knew each other. It’s a freaking fairy tale. Things sucked then, too. It just sucked without indoor plumbing.

Gilmore Girls — Season 1: Episode 8 — “Love and War and Snow”

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Lorelai: I came to pick up that rocker that I bought a couple weeks ago.

Mrs. Kim: Six weeks ago.

Lorelai: Oh, well, OK. Well, that’s a couple times three. That’s six… Math humor. Not big with a lot of people. Don’t feel bad. 

Mrs. Kim: This is not a storage facility.

Lorelai: I know, I’m sorry.

Mrs. Kim: This is a furniture store. Furniture comes in, people buy, then it goes out.

Lorelai: Right.

Mrs. Kim: Except when Lorelai Gilmore buys. Then furniture stays here for six weeks.

Lorelai: How about I pay you extra?

Mrs. Kim: I don’t want you to pay me extra. I want you to pick up the thing you paid for in the first place. (she finds the rocker) Here.

Lorelai: Huh, I remember it smaller.

Mrs. Kim: It’s been six weeks. Maybe it grew.

Gilmore Girls — Season 1: Episode 7 — “Kiss and Tell”

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Luke: Sookie!

Sookie: Hey. I was just looking for your paprika.

Luke: What have I said about the counter?

Sookie: I know.

Luke: How the counter is a sacred space. MY sacred space. You don’t do yoga on the Dalai Lama’s mat and you don’t come behind my counter, period.

Sookie: I was trying to help.

Luke: (to Lorelai) You bring her again and I want her on a leash. I mean it.

Sookie: He does make a damn find burger though.

Gilmore Girls – Season 1: Episode 5 – “Cinnamon’s Wake”

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Lorelai: You are of hardy stubborn stock, my dear. If there’s one thing I gave you, it’s my stubbornness.

Rory: I’m not stubborn. 

Lorelai: Yes you are.

Rory: No I’m not.

Lorelai: Fine you’re not.

Rory: Thank you.

Lorelai: You’re welcome.

Gilmore Girls — Season 1: Episode 4 — “The Deer-Hunters”

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Luke: Here.

Rory: What’s that?

Luke: You look like you need pie.

Rory: I do?

Luke: Violent pencil tossing usually signals the need for pie.

Rory:What if I’d thrown a pen?

Luke: I would’ve brought you a trout.

Rory: What?

Luke: I don’t make the rules, I just carry them out.

[Lorelai comes in]

Lorelai: Hey, backwards baseball hat – new look for you. She’s eating pie? Did she even have dinner?

Luke: You raised her, I just serve.

Gilmore Girls — Season 2: Episode 4 — “The Deer-Hunters”

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Rory: Maybe you could come with me.

Lorelai: Oh, is there a “you’re crazy” team? ‘Cause I think they’d make you captain.

Rory: Please?

Lorelai: Rory, I love you. I would take a bullet for you. But I’d rather stick something sharp in my ear than go to the club with you.

Rory: Fine.

Lorelai: I’d rather slide down a banister of razor blades and land in a pool of alcohol than go to the club with you.

Rory: I got it.

Lorelai: Don’t stop me, I’m on a roll. I’d rather eat my own hand than go to the club with you. Ooh, I’d rather get my face surgically altered to look like that lunatic rich lady with the lion head than go to the club with you.

Rory: Would you like me to drive so you can continue your diatribe?

Lorelai: Would ya? Thanks. I’d rather cut off my head and use it as a punch bowl than go to the club with you…

Gilmore Girls — Season 1: Episode 3 — “Kill Me Now”

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Lorelai: I already had the longest day of my life and, oh, look, it’s only ten. How nice.

Luke: There’s no coffee.

Lorelai: That’s not funny.

Luke: I can give you herbal tea.

Lorelai: This is not an herbal tea morning. This is a coffee morning.

Luke: Every morning for you is a coffee morning.

Lorelai: This is a jumbo coffee morning. I need coffee in an IV.

Luke: I can give you tea and a Balance bar.

Lorelai: Please, please, please tell me you’re kidding.

Luke: I’m kidding.

Lorelai: You’re sick.

Luke: Yup.

Lorelai: You’re a sadist, you’re a fiend! (Luke returns with coffee) You’re pretty.

Luke: For here or to go?

Lorelai: To go, please.

Luke: You wanna know what this stuff does to your central nervous system?

Lorelai: Ooh, do you have a chart? ‘Cause I love charts.

Luke: Forget it, kill yourself. So what happened this morning that was so awful?

Lorelai: Rory started Chilton.

Luke: Really?

Lorelai: Yeah. What?

Luke: That’s how you dress to take Rory to Chilton?

Lorelai: No, but –

Luke: I mean, that’s a fancy school.

Lorelai: My clothes were at the cleaners, and I had the fuzzy clock and it didn’t purr on time.

Luke: It didn’t purr?

Lorelai: It’s fuzzy. It purrs. You know what, never mind. I gotta go. I had a plan, damn it.

Luke: Me, too. Next time you’re getting tea.

Gilmore Girls — Season 1: Episode 2 — “The Lorelais’ First Day at Chilton”

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Rory: I can’t believe tomorrow’s my last day at Stars Hollow High.

Lorelai: I know.

Rory: Today I was so excited I dressed for gym.

Lorelai: You’re kidding!

Rory: And I played volleyball.

Lorelai: With other people?

Rory: And I learned that all this time I was avoiding group sports?

Lorelai: Yeah?

Rory: Was very smart because I suck at them.

Lorelai: Well, yeah, you got that from me.

Gilmore Girls — Season 1: Episode 1 — “Pilot”