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(Lorelai, Rory, and Dean are watching “The Donna Reed Show” with Rory and Lorelai making up their own dialogue.)

Lorelai: “You know, Daughter, there’s nothing more satisfying thatn washing windows — oh no!”

Rory: “What? Did I miss a spot?”

Lorelai: “No, I just had an impure thought about your father, Alex. Funny — I don’t know why I had it. It isn’t the second Saturday of the month.”

Rory: (as the father, Alex) “Hey, I heard you had an impure thought.”

Lorelai: “I must now sublimate all my impure thoughts by going into the kitchen and making an endless string of perfect casseroles.”

Dean: You’re not even listening to the dialogue.

Rory: Ours is better.

Dean: I don’t know — it all seems kind of nice to me.

Rory: What does?

Dean: Well, you know, families hanging together. I mean, a wife cooking dinner for her husband. And look — she seems really happy.

Lorelai: She’s medicated.

Rory: And acting from a script.

Lorelai: Written by a man.

Rory: Well said, Sister Suffragette.

Dean: What if she likes making doughnuts and dinner for her family and keeping things nice for them and —

(Rory and Lorelai stare at him.)

Dean: OK, I feel very unpopular right now.

Gilmore Girls — Season 1: Episode 14 — “That Damn Donna Reed”

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Mrs. Kim: You break, you buy!

Man: But it was sticking out in the aisle.

Mrs. Kim: You break, you buy!

Man: But I didn’t put it in the aisle.

Mrs. Kim: You have eyes, yes?

Man: Yes I have eyes.

Mrs. Kim: These eyes work?

Man: Yes these eyes work.

Mrs. Kim: They can make out shape, sizes, and colors?

Man: Yes they can do all that, but—

Mrs. Kim: Eyes work! They see lamp in aisle, send message to brain. ‘Lamp in aisle — move’ You move. You don’t break lamp.

Man: I —

Mrs. Kim: You have no eyes, not my problem, that is between you and them. You break, you buy. 

(He gives her some money.)

Mrs. Kim: (smiling) We appreciate your business.

Gilmore Girls — Season 1: Episode 12 — “Double Date”

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Emily: So what exactly is going on between the two of you?

Luke: Nothing. Really. We’re friends, that’s it.

Emily: You’re idiots, the both of you.

Gilmore Girls — Season 1: Episode 10 — “Forgiveness and Stuff”

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Emily: Where are you going?

Rory: To the dance.

Emily: You do not go running out the door when a boy honks.

Lorelai: Mom, it’s fine.

Emily: It certainly is not fine. This is not a drive through. She’s not fried chicken.

Rory: But I told him to honk and I’d meet him out there. We agreed.

Emily: I don’t care what you told him. If he wants to take you out, he will walk up to this door, and know, and say ‘good evening,’ and come inside for a moment like any civilized human being would know to do.

Lorelai: Now, Mom, this is silly, I have met him already.

Emily: Well I haven’t.

Lorelai: Yeah, but–

Emily: We will wait until he comes to the door.

Rory: He doesn’t know he’s supposed to.

Emily: He will figure it out.

(They wait in silence. Dean honks again.)

Emily: He’s not a very bright boy, is he?

Gilmore Girls – Season 1: Episode 9 – “Rory’s Dance”

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Lorelai: There goes the fire chief, the police chief and the one paramedic with a valid license. I feel safe, don’t you?

Luke: Look at them, all relatively intelligent men, but there they are dressed up in costumes, standing out in a snowstorm, and for what?

Lorelai: Because it’s tradition.

Luke: Tradition is a trap, it allows people to stick their head in the sand. Everything in the past was so quaint, so charming. Times were simpler. Kids didn’t have sex. Neighbors knew each other. It’s a freaking fairy tale. Things sucked then, too. It just sucked without indoor plumbing.

Gilmore Girls — Season 1: Episode 8 — “Love and War and Snow”

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Lorelai: I came to pick up that rocker that I bought a couple weeks ago.

Mrs. Kim: Six weeks ago.

Lorelai: Oh, well, OK. Well, that’s a couple times three. That’s six… Math humor. Not big with a lot of people. Don’t feel bad. 

Mrs. Kim: This is not a storage facility.

Lorelai: I know, I’m sorry.

Mrs. Kim: This is a furniture store. Furniture comes in, people buy, then it goes out.

Lorelai: Right.

Mrs. Kim: Except when Lorelai Gilmore buys. Then furniture stays here for six weeks.

Lorelai: How about I pay you extra?

Mrs. Kim: I don’t want you to pay me extra. I want you to pick up the thing you paid for in the first place. (she finds the rocker) Here.

Lorelai: Huh, I remember it smaller.

Mrs. Kim: It’s been six weeks. Maybe it grew.

Gilmore Girls — Season 1: Episode 7 — “Kiss and Tell”

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Rory: Lane? Lane?

Lane: What’s wrong?

Rory: I got kissed! And I shoplifted.

Lane: Are you serious? Who kissed you?

Rory: Dean.

Lane: The new kid?

Rory: Yes.

Lane: You got the new kid? Oh my God!

Rory: It happened so fast. I was just standing there —

Lane: Where?

Rory: Doose’s Market.

Lane: He kissed you in the market?

Rory: On aisle three.

Lane: By the pest spray?

Rory: Yes.

Lane: Oh, that’s a good aisle.

Rory: What defines a good aisle

Lane: An aisle where you get kissed by the new kid is a good aisle.

Rory: Oh my God. I can’t breathe.

Lane: Ok, sit down.

Rory: No I can’t sit down. I’m too — Oh my God, He kissed me!

(Mrs. Kim appears out of nowhere)

Mrs. Kim: Who kissed you?

Lane: The Lord, Mama.

Mrs. Kim: Oh, Ok then.

Gilmore Girls — Season 1: Episode 7 — “Kiss and Tell”

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Luke: Hey, wrong table.

Rory: Since when is there a right table?

Luke: Since the coffee cake I baked for you and the stupid balloons I blew up are at that table, over there.

Rory: You blew up balloons for me?

Luke: Yep.

Rory: Oh, Luke, you old softie.

Luke: I count to three, it’s gone.

Rory: Thank you.

Gilmore Girls — Season 1: Episode 6 — “Rory’s Birthday Parties”

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Luke: Sookie!

Sookie: Hey. I was just looking for your paprika.

Luke: What have I said about the counter?

Sookie: I know.

Luke: How the counter is a sacred space. MY sacred space. You don’t do yoga on the Dalai Lama’s mat and you don’t come behind my counter, period.

Sookie: I was trying to help.

Luke: (to Lorelai) You bring her again and I want her on a leash. I mean it.

Sookie: He does make a damn find burger though.

Gilmore Girls – Season 1: Episode 5 – “Cinnamon’s Wake”

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Lorelai: You are of hardy stubborn stock, my dear. If there’s one thing I gave you, it’s my stubbornness.

Rory: I’m not stubborn. 

Lorelai: Yes you are.

Rory: No I’m not.

Lorelai: Fine you’re not.

Rory: Thank you.

Lorelai: You’re welcome.

Gilmore Girls — Season 1: Episode 4 — “The Deer-Hunters”