Buffy: This means that whatever’s out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain.
Xander: In other words, I’m safe!
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1: Episode 9 – “The Puppet Show”
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Tag Archives: Xander Harris
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Cordelia: Uhhh, what?
Giles: Oh! I’m sorry. Um, your hair, uh…
Cordelia: There’s something wrong with my hair? Ohmigod! (quickly leaves)
Giles: Xander was right. It worked like a charm.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1: Episode 9 – “The Puppet Show”
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Buffy: The school talent show. How ever did you finagle such a primo assignment?
Giles: Our new Führer, Mr. Snyder.
Willow: I think they call ’em ‘principals’ now.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1: Episode 9 – “The Puppet Show”
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Giles: This is very bad.
Xander: Are we overreacting? He’s in a computer! What can he do?
Buffy: You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and kill me? I don’t know. How about mess up all the medical equipment in the world?
Giles: Randomize traffic signals.
Buffy: Access launch codes for our nuclear missiles.
Giles: Destroy the world’s economy.
Buffy: I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missile thing.
Giles: Right, yours was best.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1: Episode 8 – “I, Robot . . . You, Jane”
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Giles: Xander’s taken to teasing the less fortunate?
Buffy: Uh-huh.
Giles: And, there’s been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?
Buffy: Yes.
Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.
Buffy: It’s bad, isn’t it.
Giles: It’s devastating. He’s turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Course, you’ll have to kill him.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1: Episode 6 – “The Pack”
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Xander: Hey! Buffy!
Willow: You missed it!
Buffy: Missed what?
Xander: We just saw the zebras mating! Thank you, very exciting…
Willow: It was like the Heimlich, with stripes!
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1: Episode 6 – “The Pack”
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Xander: So you just went home?
Buffy: What was I supposed to do? Say to Owen, ‘Sorry I was late, I was sitting in a cemetery with the librarian waiting for a vampire to rise so I could prevent an evil prophecy from coming to pass?’
Xander: Or flat tire?
Buffy: I can’t take this anymore. I feel like everyone is staring at me, the big, hideous, dateless monster. (to a passing student) What? Yeah, that’s right, I have no life, c’mon, nothin’ to see here, pal, move it along!
Xander: You’re acting a little overly, aren’t you? I mean, you could have any guy in school.
Buffy: He’s not any guy. He’s more… Oweny.
Xander: Sure, he’s got a certain Owenosity, but that’s not hard to find. I mean, a lotta guys read. I can read.
Owen: Hey, Buffy!
Buffy: Owen!
Xander: Oh, look, it’s Owen. Buffy and Owen. And Xander. That’d be me.
Owen: W-where were you last night?
Buffy: Oh. Well, um, my watch broke and we don’t have any clocks in our house and so I didn’t know what time it was or even what day it was…
Owen: I thought I was the only one that happened to.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1: Episode 5 – “Never Kill a Boy on the First Date”
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Xander: Has anybody given any thought to what this green stuff is?
Buffy: Hmm, I’m avoiding the subject.
Xander: I think it’s kale, or possibly string cheese. So, Buffy, how’d the slaying go last night?
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: I mean, how’d the *laying* go? No, I don’t mean that either.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1: Episode 5 – “Never Kill a Boy on the First Date”
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Giles: Uh, well, basically the, uh, the She-Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and then lures innocent virgins back to her nest.
Buffy: Virgins? Well, Xander’s not a, uh… I mean, he’s probably…
Willow: …gonna die!
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1: Episode 4 – “Teacher’s Pet”
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Xander: Who’s that?
Willow: That must be Angel! I think?
Xander: That weird guy that warned her about all the vampires?
Willow: That’s him, I’ll bet you.
Xander: Well, he’s buff! She never said anything about him being buff!
Willow: You think he’s buff?
Xander: He’s a very attractive man! How come *that* never came up?
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 1: Episode 4 – “Teacher’s Pet”
The Love Pirate 