Buffy: Okay, what’s the sitch?
Giles: Sorry?
Buffy: You heard about the dead guy, right? The dead guy in the locker?
Giles: Yes.
Buffy: ‘Cause, it’s the weirdest thing. He’s got two little, little holes in his neck, and all his blood’s been drained. Isn’t that bizarre? Aren’t you just going, ‘ooh’?
Giles: I was afraid of this.
Buffy: Well, *I* wasn’t! It’s my first day! I was afraid that I was gonna be behind in all my classes, that I wouldn’t make any friends, that I would have last month’s hair. I didn’t think there’d be vampires on campus. And I don’t care.
Giles: Then why are you here?
Buffy: To tell you that… I don’t care, which… I don’t, and… have now told you, so… bye.
Giles: Is he, w-will he… rise again?
Buffy: Who?
Giles: The boy.
Buffy: No. He’s just dead.
Giles: Can you be sure?
Buffy: To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It’s like a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they’re just gonna kill you. Why am I still talking to you?
Buffy turns and goes down the stairs. Giles moves over to the railing.
Giles: You really have no idea what’s going on, do you? You think it’s coincidence, your being here? That boy was just the beginning.
Buffy: Oh, why can’t you people just leave me alone?
Giles: Because you are the Slayer. Into each generation a Slayer is born, one girl in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength and skill to hunt–
Buffy: With the strength and skill to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of their evil blah, blah, blah… I’ve heard it, okay?
Giles: I really don’t understand this attitude. You, you’ve accepted your duty, you, you’ve slain vampires before…
Buffy: Yeah, and I’ve both been there and done that, and I’m moving on.
Giles: What do you know about this town?
Buffy: It’s two hours on the freeway from Neiman Marcus?
Giles: Dig a bit in the history of this place. You’ll find a, a steady stream of fairly odd occurrences. Now, I believe this whole area is a center of mystical energy, (comes back with four books) that things gravitate towards it that, that, that you might not find elsewhere.
Buffy: Like vampires.
Giles: Like zombies, werewolves, incubi, succubi, everything you’ve ever dreaded was under your bed, but told yourself couldn’t be by the light of day. They’re all real!
Buffy: What? You, like, sent away for the Time-Life series?
Giles: Ah, w-w-w-yes.
Buffy: Did you get the free phone?
Giles: Um, the calendar.
Buffy: Cool! But, okay, first of all, I’m a Vampire Slayer. And secondly, I’m retired. Hey, I know! Why don’t you kill ’em?
Giles: I-I’m a Watcher, I-I haven’t the skill…
Buffy: Oh, come on, stake through the heart, a little sunlight… It’s like falling off a log.
Giles: A, a Slayer slays, a Watcher–
Buffy: Watches?
Giles: Yes. No! He, he trains her, he, he, he prepares her–
Buffy: Prepares me for what? For getting kicked out of school? For losing all of my friends? For having to spend all of my time fighting for my life and never getting to tell anyone because I might endanger them? Go ahead! Prepare me.
[Buffy leaves.]
Giles: Damn!
[Giles leaves.]
Xander: What?
The Love Pirate 