‘Murder’ is the word for a group of crows, like a flock of geese or a herd of cows or a convention of orthodontists.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Vile Village – J.K. Rowling

“Small potatoes” is a phrase which has nothing to do with root vegetables that happen to be tiny in size.  Instead, it refers to the change in one’s feelings for something when it is compared to something else.  If you were walking in the rain, for instance, you might be worried about getting wet, but if you turned the corner and saw a pack of vicious dogs, getting wet would suddenly become small potatoes next to getting chased down an alley and barked at, or possible eaten.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Vile Village – Lemony Snicket

When you are traveling by bus, it is always difficult to decide whether you should sit in a seat by the window, a seat on the aisle, or a seat in the middle.  If you take an aisle seat, you have the advantage of being able to stretch your legs whenever you like, but you have the disadvantage of people walking by you, and they can accidentally step on your toes or spill something on your clothing.  If you take a window seat, you have the advantage of getting a clear view of the scenery, but you have the disadvantage of watching insects die as they hit the glass.  If you take a middle seat, you have neither of these advantages, and you have the added disadvantage of people leaning all over you when they fall asleep.  You can see at once why you should always arrange to hire a limousine or rent a mule rather than take the bus to your destination.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Vile Village – Lemony Snicket

The quoting of an aphorism, like the angry barking of a dog or the smell of overcooked broccoli, rarely indicates that something helpful is about to happen.  An aphorism is merely a small group of words arranged in a certain order because they sound good that way, but oftentimes people tend to say them as if they were saying something very mysterious and wise.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Vile Village – Lemony Snicket

A newspaper, as I’m sure you know, is a collection of supposedly true stories written down by writers who either saw them happen or talked to people who did.  These writers are called journalists, and like telephone operators, butchers, ballerinas, and people who clean up after horses, journalists can sometimes make mistakes.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Vile Village – Lemony Snicket

No matter who you are, no matter where you live, and no matter how many people are chasing you, what you don’t read is often as important as what you do read.  For instance, if you are walking in the mountains, and you don’t read the sign that says “Beware of Cliff” because you are busy reading a joke book instead, you may suddenly find yourself walking on air rather than on a sturdy bed of rocks.  If you are baking a pie for your friends, and you read an article entitled “How to Build a Chair” instead of a cookbook, your pie will probably end up tasting like wood and nails instead of like crust and fruity filling.  And if you insist on reading this book instead of something more cheerful, you will most certainly find yourself moaning in despair instead of wriggling in delight, so if you have any sense at all you will put this book down and pick up another one.

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Vile Village – Lemony Snicket