‘You speak of loss of weight. But I find that you yourself are thin. Nay, cadaverous, if I may speak as one physician to another. You have a very ill breath; your hair, already meagre two years ago, is now extremely sparse; you belch frequently; your eyes are hollow and dim. This is not merely your ill-considered use of tobacco — a noxious substance that should be prohibited by government — and of laudanum. I should very much like to see your excrement.’

‘You shall, my dear sir, you shall.’

Post Captain – Patrick O’Brian