5) The Departed
That’s right, an Oscar winner for Best Picture is on my list of worst movies of the decade. This one is mostly a case of being enormously over hyped. A Martin Scorsese film with a cast that includes DiCaprio, Damon, Nicholson, Wahlberg, Sheen and Baldwin should never be this bad. A horrible script of uninteresting characters and a cliché mix of good cop undercover with the mob and a bad cop playing traitor to his department make for a waste of film. Worst of all is Jack Nicholson’s mob boss, a character so over the top that he becomes annoying whenever he’s on screen. The plot is full of twists and turns but is always predictable, with the only surprise coming in a manner designed to elicit the loudest screams from the audience. And then ending, so obvious and insulting, is totally pointless. It’s such a shame that such talent was wasted, and even more of a shame that most people don’t even realize it’s a waste.

4) Sideways
Never were two more unlikable characters made the heroes of a movie. This Best Picture nominee was even more annoying than The Departed, because it is genuinely funny at times, particularly with the wine dialogue. But the two leads, off for a week in Napa Valley before one’s wedding, are so detestable that it makes the film unenjoyable to watch. Paul Giamatti, one of my favorite actors, plays such a loser that there is no way to root for him to get the girl, and Thomas Hayden Church, a masterful actor, plays such a douche bag that he may not even deserve to live. I certainly laughed a fair amount, but the characters are so bad as to make the film unwatchable for me ever again.

3) K-19: The Widowmaker
One of the most boring movies I’ve ever seen, both my dad and I fell asleep. Proof-positive that not every true story needs to be made into a film, there is no drama to be found in this painfully slow submarine story. You’d think a nuclear reactor malfunction in a sub would be a fascinating subject for a film, but you’d be wrong. The Hunt for Red October this is not. Liam Neeson does his best as the ship’s Executive Officer, and Harrison Ford tries to anchor the film as the sub’s Captain, but his accent is so horrible that it’s not even laughable. Another waste of a film, it was panned by critics and ignored by viewers, I only wish I’d stayed away too.

2) Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
I don’t like Will Ferrell, and I only saw this because I’m a NASCAR fan. My mistake. Not only was it horribly unfunny, the race scenes were absolutely ridiculous. With all of NASCAR cooperating with the filming, it’s surprising how little the movie seems to know about racing at all. It’s really sad because NASCAR is so easy to make fun of, and to parody, and this movie still manages to only be stupid and not funny. Pixar managed it perfectly in the movie Cars which isn’t even really about racing, so why was it so hard for this film? I’m pleased that Ferrell’s star seems to be fading a bit lately, because if all his other movies are like this one, he has no business in this industry.

1) Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
This is my movie horror story. Everyone seems to have one. I drove an hour, into another state, to see this thing. I had been lead to believe that it was going to be a hilarious and smart satire, using guerilla filmmaking to expose the hatred and bigotry in average Americans. What I found, instead, was the worst piece of trash I have ever encountered. Beyond being not funny, it was downright mean. There is no comedy to come from humiliating people who don’t deserve humiliation. A preacher’s family who invited a “foreigner” to a meal do not deserve to have a comedian take a crap in a paper bag and bring it to the table in the name of a laugh.   It is also no challenge to get frat boys drunk and have them say derogatory things about women, it’s just sad. Add to that the unnecessary homophobic nude wrestling scene and you’ve got the worst thing ever filmed. I really can’t describe all the reasons that I hate this thing, so I’ll let my reaction to it illustrate my feelings. I have never walked out of a film (though 2 people walked out about halfway through, and I was jealous), and I sat through the entire thing. When I got back out to my car I was so angry I burst into tears for a few minutes. After I finished, I almost vomited out of anger. If that doesn’t qualify this for the top/bottom of this list, I don’t know what does.