10) Hulk
In a decade when superhero movies ruled the box office, Hulk was the worst. The really sad part is that Hulk was supposed to be the cure for the modern superhero movie, adding a layer of depth and artistry rarely seen in the genre. It had a respectable, though not spectacular, cast in Eric Bana, Jennifer Connelly and Nick Nolte, but where Hulk really stood out was its director. Ang Lee is an Oscar winning director with films like Sense and Sensibility, The Ice Storm and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, in his resume, and it was quite the coup for Hulk to get someone of his caliber. Even the best director, however, couldn’t have saved this film. The tedious and nonsensical script, the amazingly plastic special effects and the absurd 3^rd act combine to doom this movie despite what I can only assume were the sincere efforts of the cast and crew. From a script standpoint, the hero is boring and uninteresting, the military are ridiculously stupid, and the Nick Nolte character is an absolute mess. The effects, wildly hyped pre-release, are passable during night scenes, but the biggest action sequence takes place in the desert in bright sunlight. The Hulk looks rubbery and toy-like at the best of times, and looks worse the more dirt he gets on him. It’s embarrassing when your star creature looks like something you could find in a Wal-Mart bargain bin. As for the final act, I haven’t a clue what was going on. Nick Nolte turned into a giant electrical monster for no apparent reason, but the Hulk somehow stops him. Yay? What was the point? An expensive mess, it still managed to have a sequel that I mercifully skipped. If that’s not Hollywood, I don’t know what is.

9) The Matrix Reloaded
I enjoyed The Matrix. It was fun, stylish and exciting, with a clever script, good effects and edge-of-your-seat action. The Matrix Reloaded is none of those things. Pretentious and overbearing, the script is full of absurd monologues and shoddy mythology. Why name a character the Merovingian if you’re going to ignore the meaning and context behind the name? The simple but adequate characters from the first film fall flat when given more to work with. The rebellious style is reduced to fetishism the 2^nd time around, and don’t even get me started on the Zion rave sequence. Worst of all, the action and effects, revolutionary in 1999, somehow became unrealistic or silly in just a few years. The street brawl between Neo and a hundred Agent Smiths looks like a video game. In the highway sequence, hyped as the greatest car chase ever, the computer effects are so obviously not real that it becomes boring (in contrast to the phenomenal chase sequence from Terminator 3, which was out around the same time as Reloaded). The Matrix series redeemed itself somewhat with Revolutions, wrapping up the loose ends satisfyingly, reenergizing the action, and adding some much needed Pathos to the series. But the awful 2^nd chapter looms over the trilogy, spoiling the creative promise of The Matrix.

8) Dracula 2000
Just look at the title, isn’t that enough to make you stay away? I was dragged to this one by my best friend against my will, and it was just as awful as I feared. Bad acting, bad effects and a stupid story, this is one I’d just as soon forget. (My friend also dragged me to From Hell, but that wasn’t nearly as bad. I did start attempting to veto some suggestions after that.) Note: While doing research for this list I discovered that Nathan Fillion was in this movie, playing a priest (maybe foreshadowing his role in Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s season 7), so it gets bonus points for that. The movie still sucks, though.

7) The Stepford Wives
I don’t have a problem with remakes, as a rule, but I do occasionally object when the film being remade is a classic. Sometimes, however, a remake is based on a bad movie to begin with, but somehow people are still surprised when it turns out bad. Some stories are so bad they can’t be improved on, no matter how much talent is thrown at it. Matthew Broderick could not be stiffer, Christopher Walken appears at his goofiest, and Nicole Kidman proves why she should stick to drama. Boring and unfunny, The Stepford Wives is a waste of film that should never have made it out of that first meeting when some fool suggested it.

6) Pearl Harbor
This one is tragically bad. Fresh off the success of Armageddon, Michael Bay (director of this list’s #16, Transformers) teamed up with Disney to attempt an epic and modern take on the story of the Pearl Harbor attack. Combining a huge budget with a cast of thousands, they hoped to produce a rival to Tora! Tora! Tora!. They threw in a sweeping love story to parallel Titanic and released it on Memorial Day. The result is the only film I’ve ever fallen asleep in (unfortunately, I was only out for about two minutes). Ridiculously long, with the climactic battle as the halfway point, Pearl Harbor relies too heavily on a love triangle whose lack of subtlety could put even the worst soap opera to shame. Bay has never shied away from beating people over the head with his action sequences and explosions, and he treats Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett and Kate Beckinsale as romantically as an asteroid. The relationships have none of the heart or sweetness of the Affleck-Liv Tyler romance of Armageddon (did you think you’d ever read that sentence?). Not only do we not care about the characters, but after three hours, we’ve grown to loathe them. But I don’t expect tact from Bay, I want great action. Instead he gives us CG tracking shots that follow bombs from plane to ship in video game style and slow motion explosions that would have fit bettering The Rock than in a “serious” war film. Trying to make a tragic moment in American history exciting is one thing, trying to make the action cool is another. If only there had been a race relations subplot it’d be perfect. Oh wait, it does have one, with poor Cuba Gooding, Jr. having to play his part in the heavy-handed equality message, lacking any realism, context, or importance, pointlessly thrown in the face of the people of all races who serve in our military. The entire attack sequence is insulting both to our intelligence and to the memories of the soldiers and civilians who lost their lives. A little realism, context, humanity and tact would have gone a long way. At least they don’t portray the Japanese in any sort of a shallow way… oh wait. I would say that Michael Bay should be better off making movies about toys, but clearly that wouldn’t be much of an improvement. As for Disney, they should have known better.